LIFE'S A DRAG

Thomas Grainger has spent his entire life on a quest for acceptance. After struggling through an extremely high IQ, an eating disorder and self-inflicted censorship, Tomi has finally found confidence in a wig and some killer heels – and now it's his turn to take centre stage.

 

Sitting in a Sydney café across from a 26-year-old Tomi Grainger, I was quite taken aback by his appearance. The muscle tee and flat cap that was perched on his head after a gym session screamed heteronormative masculinity. An outsider would have no idea that this man would be making history as Sydney Comedy Fest's first Drag performer. To be honest, neither would I, had I missed the stains of purple glitter that rimmed his eyes - remnants from last night's Drag endeavours.

Working for Media production company 90 Seconds Monday to Friday and performing as a Drag Queen on weekends keeps Tomi busy, and he finds himself taking up every opportunity to be creative and authentically himself. But this wasn't always the case for the young man from Western Sydney, who struggled with self-censorship from a young age.

"When you reach that puberty age, kids start to realise that maybe I don't fit in to what society prescribes is 'normal'," Tomi said. "I would have not even been aware of it half the time, but just known that that's not how I should act. I don't think I've ever stopped censoring myself in certain situations."

 

"I think we perform different roles and different personalities – like in Drag, like in life."

 

In what were supposed to be his formative years, Tomi found himself restricting his creativity to fit into the social expectations that came with growing up in the early 2000s. This continued to have an increasing effect, building up until he developed an eating disorder at just 15 years of age - something he is still feeling the repercussions of today.

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"People with similar personality types to me can go either way – when they're not given that outlet to be creative, or to be themselves, that's what happens," Tomi said. "You feel out of place, and you don't know how to deal with that, and it's a coping mechanism."

Psychiatrist Jonathan Tobkes suggests that "this population (LGBTQI+) tends to be self-critical and, at times, perfectionistic in order to make up for what they may perceive to be a 'deficit' of their sexual orientation. In addition, eating disorders tend to be about maintaining control, especially when one experiences a lack of control in other areas of life."

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The eating disorder was just another part of Tomi's life that he felt he could not express. The subject was taboo during his youth, especially in males, just as homosexuality was, and it was inevitably adding fuel to the fire that was his life.

Tomi continued to hide his hardships throughout his High School Years, and despite graduating St Paul's Catholic College with an Atar of 99.95, still struggles to talk about this time.

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It was only after he graduated that Tomi realised he was not alone in his struggles of self-censorship. University and working in the media exposed him to a creative world of people with similar experiences, and he began to move towards self-acceptance, starting by holding himself accountable for the eating disorder that plagued his post-pubescent years.

"It happens to a lot of people, but I think the first thing is about dialogue, and the best way to do that is to write a book."

He may not have planned it, but at just 22 years old Tomi published You Are Not Your Eating Disorder: A Practical Guide To Overcoming An Eating Disorder For Sufferers, Carers, Friends and Loved Ones.

 

"It was something that I felt I had to do at the time, and it just happened," he said. "I felt that

that was the best way to get that information out there, and to take a sense of ownership for

myself to not allow myself to fall back into that."

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The release of his booked marked a time of change for Tomi, which he embraced in his decision

to move to Germany. It was here that he was exposed to Drag outside of The Rocky Horror

Picture Show, and where he decided he would try his hand at the art form.

 

"I was in a bar in a little city called Freiburg and two Drag queens walked in." This memory is a

fond one for Tomi, who tells it with a fond smile on his lips. "They sat down with me and my

friends, and I just thought, you know what, this is quite fun, I could do this, and I just started

going out in Drag."

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"I was involved in a completely different culture and lifestyle. People didn't speak English in

the city I was in, so it was kind of the chance to have fun. There was no expectation- I didn't

know anyone there so I didn't have to. I could play around."

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Drag gave Tomi the excuse to experiment with his identity without the fear of having to fit a

certain stereotype. He quickly noticed the power of a wig and makeup in challenging the

societal norms he had faced his entire life.

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"For me, (censorship) was a constant part of my life," he said. "I always felt uncomfortable, so I deliberately went as outrageous as I possibly could to try and challenge the way others think as well. If I'm censoring myself, and if I'm showing a sense of vulnerability and anxiety, it's almost validating other people's behaviour as well. It's like saying, if that' how I feel, it must be true."

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"I think Drag is the biggest Fuck You to society… it's so political and it can be kind of whatever you want it to be."

 

After claiming the lifestyle as his own that night in the little German pub, Tomi was determined to embrace it fully. It was a decision that has had a lasting impression, and not just on the boy from Sydney.

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"Drag was kind of non-existent in this little city that I was living in, so we started our own pop-up pub nights," he said. "We thought, if it's not here let's make it ourselves."

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"We had our own little thing that's still going now."

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Five years since Tomi moved home from Germany, he continues to strive to increase the visibility of Drag in hopes that this will help society embrace the community that accepts him for him.

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At this year's Sydney Comedy Festival Tomi will be performing a stand-up routine – the first to do so in Drag.

When looking back on the way his life has progressed, starting from that scared, "boxed in" boy from Greystanes, to the strong media personality he now completely embraces as his own, he believes that his high IQ played a big role in getting him there. True intelligence, he says, is knowing that life isn't about ticking boxes.

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"It's about identifying opportunities when they come your way."

 

It was opportunities such as these that lead Tomi to perform at The Ivy to a crowd

of five thousand.

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It was clear by the look of pride that overcame his face as he described the event

that this was a highlight of his career. He was no longer sitting in that small cafe with

me. Instead, he was back on the stage with blonde pigtails swinging under the bright

lights - the elaborate costumes and facial jewels, smoke and glitter guns had made

the Spice Girls tribute one to remember.

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"It was a whole production."

 

Despite living through the highs of the Drag life, Tomi has also been exposed to the

violent nature of the gig.

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"One-time years ago, when I was still living at home, I was quite drunk and I decided

to get the train home after performing. I got chased, and a gang tried to bash me,"

Tomi said.

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"You get rude people all the time, just random straight people in the street making a comment, but I don't let it get me down…. You get used to it and conditioned by it."

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The disappointment is clear in Tomi's voice as he tells me his experience. After finally learning to accept himself after years of restriction, he's waiting for the world to catch up, and is optimistic of the changing tides.

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"Drag is becoming more mainstream and people are becoming more… not accepting, but more tolerant, or intrigued."

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"I think we're reaching an era where people are really questioning – there's no dichotomy between male and female, what guys do and what girls do, what you have to do in society. You can be whoever you want to be. We're living in a really exciting time. But having said that, there's a long way to go still."

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For Tomi, Drag isn't about stepping into someone else's life for a night. Instead, it's a way to feel fully accepted for who he unapologetically is, in his most uncensored state, and his name celebrates that.

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"For me, I just go by my actual name," he said. "Well, my name's Thomas, so I changed it to 'Tomi' because it's still a little bit more fun, and it works, and people always just call me that now."

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"I'm still Tomi... I'm just a guy dressed in a wig to entertain people."

 

"I think when you're dressed in Drag you get treated differently because there's that illusion there, and it's still there, but in the back of people's mind they remember that I'm still Tomi... I'm just a guy dressed in a wig to entertain people," he said. "A lot of people put on a different persona – and I do too, it's a lot more of a lively, hyped up version of myself – but I do want people to remember that I'm not actually a woman."

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"To me, it's really a part of life."